The only item on my bucket list — indeed the only ambition I’ve had throughout my entire life — is to be one of the prizes they used to put in cereal boxes in the late 1970s, the kind that made kids tear open the box from the bottom and…

Food cooked in a paper bag is superior in flavour and of higher nutritive value than that cooked in any other way.

All participants should gather beside Central School by 1:00. The order of the parade shall be: The Unbidden Ox The East Sheboygan Bugle and Theremin Corps A tractor pulling a smaller, wheel-less tractor Future Attic Dwellers of America hay wagon The mayor’s eunuchs Baton twirlers, all of whom have been exiled from Idaho Uncle Throat Our firefighters and their creamed corn A dog who can do arithmetic, but not well